It's been two months...

It's been two months since I have added to this blog.  I promised a friend of mine in May that I would keep blogging.  She thinks I have something to say...I am not sure.  I have doubts about what I am doing with my life now everyday.  Leaving my job was the right thing to do, I do not have regrets and I do not wish I was still there.  But, I am swimming in all kinds of self-doubt.

I don't necessarily want to work at all, but, I feel guilty doing nothing.  I cannot seem to get myself to just 'be' for a period of time.  I set goals for myself every day and I never achieve those goals.  I find myself wanting to sleep the afternoon away before everybody gets home and I make excuses for my feelings and behavior all day long. I want to exercise, I want to lose weight, I want to eat better, I want to organize my house, I want to network professionally...and, on and on.  But, very little gets done and I feel very unaccomplished...even after being successful in many things for many years.

So, what is this?  Am I depressed?  Am I menopausal (don't think so)?  Is it just a phase of transition?  Or, is this really me?  Meaning when I am left to my own devices...is this who I am really am...an unmotivated, untalented, fake who has just been lucky?  Have I always been unmotivated but did all I did because I had to?  If left without the pressure of finances and children, would I just meander around all day and have the goal of getting to 10:00 pm because it is socially acceptable to watch the news and go to bed at that time?  Would I not get up at 7:00 am in the morning if my husband wasn't here?

I really do not know how low I could go if I did not have anybody watching me.

It is scary and I do not know how to do things differently.  I mean, I do know intellectually what to do and my brain and conscience tell me hundreds of times a day what to do...but, my inner voice says 'no' and Inner Voice wins more times than not.  "Eat an apple," my brain says...Inner Voice says, "Eat Raisinets."  Inner Voice wins.  Brain says, "Organize the office, you've had that goal for a month."  Inner Voice says. "Take a nap."  Inner Voice wins.  I could go on and on.

I have been doing a lot of professional networking and eventually (probably sooner rather than later) I am going to be offered work.  Is that work going to pull me out of this or is Inner Voice going to win and I will 'half-ass' a job and blow it?  Right now I do not know...

I need to figure out how I can be so fortunate to be where I am in life right now, yet feel quite hopeless.